Cheers to Another Time Mirena Had Me Scared Shitless

All I wanted was long term protection. My boyfriend and I had been together monogamously for about a year, and were moving in together. Mirena was my long term protection plan. Before I moved in, my aunt told me to promise her that I would wait at least 5 years before we had children.

Baby fever has struck many times over the years that we have lived here, but never in a serious way. By that I mean, I have not felt ready to start a family to the point that I would set up, and arrive  for an appointment to remove my IUD. Due to technical difficulties on the first insertion, I already know that removal isn’t any less painful than insertion. Over the years, I have found that not much of the time in between is very enjoyable either.

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I won’t forget getting my cable set up as I laid in the fetal position on the floor of my new apartment. Particularly as a result of this appointment, that the doctor did not mention would be debilitating, the apartment remained empty until the following day when I had minimal strength to keep going.

Graduating to Mirena from Depo, I hadn’t had a regular period in ages. The depo left what seems to be a weird space between my epidermis and dermis on a patch of my stomach. Directly following the insertion, which I would dare to call a procedure or even operation or surgery, a nurse attempted taking my blood pressure. My hands were beyond their normal clamminess, sweat beads formed on my head. My heart felt like it was about to beat out of my chest, and I could hardly bare to sit for her to continue to test me. She looked shocked with the reading, and started asking questions about my family history, which only made me more tense. Another nurse came around and told her that I had just received an IUD, to which she says, “I don’t know what’s with ya’ll young girls getting these IUDs”, unfortunately I was in far too pain to serve her with a clap back. I just had to continue suffering the abuse.

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I was such a fool to think that I could use birth control without issue. It has constantly caused me pain. It even caused my boyfriend pain when I first got it. Every time he was poking me, the string from the Mirena was poking him back! It was awful. I was able to go get the string cut down and we’ve been okay on that front, but the blood is sporadic, the cramps are severe, and there are random shooting pains in the abdomen and back that sometimes make it hard to walk. All of these issues that obviously should’ve signed the lease, because they’ve been living in this apartment for just as long as I have.

So why am I bringing this up now? Well it seems that I have gotten food poisoning twice in the past two weeks, which brings up the very logical question from my fiance…”are you pregnant, babe?” I wanted to give a definite no, because I’ve got Mirena. This painful obstruction is supposed to hold it down for 5 years, and as the invisible rule was written, there are still two more years on this contract.  While I am constantly struggling with baby fever…before you judge, I’m 24, engaged, and Bey is pregnant with twins, so I think I’m being reasonable.

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Watching my sweaty body contort around as I vomitted, made my fiancé very worried. He was somewhat angry with me for not visiting the doctor, because I’m always complaining about my stomach. I have dismissed these issues as a result of eating junk, eating on a full stomach, eating bread, but mostly just eating too much junk. I blamed Mirena more in my head. I’ve mentioned taking it out early many times, and I have had his support, but I am scared just thinking about having that contraption raking my vaginal walls on it’s way out.

He got me a pregnancy test, which I am absolutely relieved came up negative, not only because the contract isn’t up, but fear was brewing. This was not the normal, “my life might be changing forever” fear, it was more like, “what if I’m dying, and what if I’m killing a baby too, poking it’s little sac with a copper sword of destruction?!” Studies say that 8 in 1000 get pregnant with Mirena, and getting pregnant with mirena inserted is dangerous, like deathly dangerous. Then I found the woman who had a successful pregnancy with the Mirena inserted, but had to have the Mirena surgically removed after the child was born.

After attempting to sleep off my sickness, I woke up thinking back to when a colleague consulted me about what birth control to use. As I went to tell her that I am using Mirena, she mentioned that she had it too. I’m not exactly sure why she asked, but if pussies could talk…they would probably say “get this copper contraption outta here, you’re ruining me!”

Now translated with a fun gif.

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Anyways, fast forward a week or so. I’m finally about to publish this blog, when I get a call from my aunt…It goes like this…

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Me:Hello, Happy Friday!

Her: Hey niecey, are you pregnant?

Me: What?! No! I don’t think so…why?

Her:Your great aunt told me that she’s been dreaming about fish…

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Crazy, right?

I know!

 Anyways, until next time, I’m still just another another fat girl…gone healthy!

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